I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Shortcut
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!