I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
You Might Also Like
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of