I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Did my cat write this
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
This made me chuckle.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.