Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
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ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot