cats when you pet them too long:
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?