I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
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I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
“what that mouth do?” complain
My hips? Compulsive liars.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
584.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the