@iNusku: I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.
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@mrjohndarby: [on a farm] Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket* Oh, I've always wanted to do that Farmer: Go ahead! Me: *stands next to a bucket*
@jakob_huber: Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
@notalogin: [My funeral] Friend 1: So how did he die? Friend 2: Mistaken identity F1: What happened? F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train