At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
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(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.