I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Ummm
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus