@notfolu: I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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@jctwritesstuff: Me: *gazes into his eyes* Him: *sweats* M *winks* H: I'm kinda uncomfortable M: But this is love H: It's my job to fill liquor orders, ma'am
@sfreeze6: One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
@causticbob: "Susan, will you marry me?" "Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!" Ten grand later and it's still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
@AngryRaccoon2: Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I'm stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.