I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
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Me:
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Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
How dramatic are you?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.