I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
You Might Also Like
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
This sounds bad:
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
This hospital has everything
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.