I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
fly smarter, not harder
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet