I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
This why you should mind your business
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor