I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
man: wait
time: no
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Breaking news:
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Flock of bats
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no