I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
You Might Also Like
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes