me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.