Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
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I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Finished stitching this today 😇
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.