@jakob_huber: "I hate hashtags!" Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
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@SortaBad: Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife? Me: "I do" Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
@Home_Halfway: FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they're saving them from drowning
@iwearaonesie: *sees cars lined up outside church* wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding? me: What's the difference?