“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
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Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong