I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆