I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Saw online –
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Super Hand Dog Face