Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many