I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
being a writer on Twitter:
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t