If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
me irl