I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
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I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers