I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Nomnomnomnom
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.