I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
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Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Double negatives are never not confusing.