@mattZillaaaa: I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
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@mattZillaaaa: "911, what is your emergency?" Yes I can't hear my television "Sir, this is not an emer-" Someone keeps screaming "HELP ME!!" next door
@badbanana: If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
@Nursey2Be: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Me: Good night, moon. [30 mins later] Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren't you reading my messages?