I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I will never stop laughing at this
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.