Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
You Might Also Like
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once