@RamblingMachine: I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don't even remember I told them so.
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@petemandik: In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
@3sunzzz: [interview at Bass Pro Shops] So, tell me a little about yourself. Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
@shadygrenade: *ransom note on gun* [1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions] [ps please mail gun back it's my only one]
@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car." Tim: "You did what?!" Ian: "Baked you a pie."