[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Fluff me with a fork baby
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car