I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat