If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
The opposite of goth is stopth.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?