I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
screw you
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.