I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
o shit
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?