I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
asking santa clause for nudes
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here