I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.