As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
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“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
some things should go without saying
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad