I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost