I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
car not found
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
do horses think humans are hats
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room