I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.