I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“You’d better run, egg!”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.