I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.