I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
🏙👨🏼
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
#StillHurts
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.