My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
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the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff