I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
wtf is a larm clock?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]