Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You Might Also Like
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.