@Papa_Mex: I hate it when the neighbor's dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food
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@KrunkedRobot: Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
@BethStelling: I've been called a "female comic" so many times, I'll probably only be able to answer to "girl daddy" when I have children.
@3_arbutus: There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
@Jacob_Swift16: When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I've been absolutely fabulous ever since