I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Camping tip: No.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Breaking news:
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing