how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
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When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
They got a point!
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.