Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
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*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Lmao
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey