when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
why I oughta
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
If I ignore life will it go away?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are