Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
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ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*