You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
honestly, i need both:
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”