@TimJohnish: I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
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@coketruck76: I never use "a lot" or "too much" butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
@UnFitz: Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] He barely knows who I am anymore "That's not true, Karen" LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
@ArfMeasures: ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos* BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters