What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?