“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.